Tears and a clown

Proper tears from me, and not the happy kind. Really upset about Max yesterday. He got so distressed in the school, like he was having a proper panic attack, whites of eyes, blowing, the whole thing. He stood leaning against his muzzle on my shoulder, and blowing for ages while I tried to calm him down. We just walked together for a long time too, because he was so sweaty (he had been working as well).

I finally got him back with clicker training, going over his really well known tricks - eyes eventually focused, offered his tricks, got his treats. At first I had pony nuts out for him and he wouldn't even look at them.

My poor Max. I'm finding it really distressing.

We were going along OK, started by lining, then onto a smaller circle around me and again, on the left rein, evasion. I know he's going to do it, I can see when he's setting himself up for it, and I try gentle vibration of inside rein to counteract, but if he decides to go for it, I've got nowt unless I pull on him, which I won't.

So after a few failed attempts (and I admit to getting frustrated, trying to hide it, but there's isn't much I can hide from Max) we went down to single rein and lungeing. Disaster!

He evaded again, I tried to counter, I raised the whip up (nowhere near him) and he lost it!

We had Max galloping up and down the school, climbing the walls, proper freaking out.

I dropped the whip (of course) and tried to calm him, but he wasn't having it. Got close enough to take the line off and he set off again. I just didn't want him to get his feet tangled up because he was hooning around the school like he was chased by demons.

So, I kept him going, worked on changing his direction with my body until he ran out of steam.

He finally stood I collected him and put one line on again. He was stiff with tension, wild, white rimmed eyes, really tall and blowing like mad. I know he'd been running, but this was something else on top of the exertion.

I patted his neck, held out a few pony nuts but he ignored them. He just kept staring wild eyed. The one teensy bit of comfort I got was when he set his nose on my shoulder and just stayed there while I leaned into his neck and asked him what was troubling him. Tried to be as soothing as I could, but he wouldn't settle.

That's when we just walked, around and around the school. He was present, polite, but not with me.

I had been hearing some commotion outside of the school, but I thought it was hackers coming back onto the yard, and I knew YO was doing the ins and outs on the yard, day horses coming in from the fields, night horses going out.

So yes, there were distractions, but not enough to get Max so flipped out.

Once his breathing slowed, I asked him to stand, and we went through a few of his clicker training party tricks. I couldn't think of anything else to do, and it seemed worth a try.

As it happens, it was the right thing to do, because it worked. Desperation and instinct won the day!

I could still see the concerned, unfocused look in his eye, but he gave me little, worried, contained versions of his usually extravagantly performed trick bag. Tiny nods of yes, teensy head shakes of no, front feet lifted to match mine, and clicks and a pony nut for each.

His eyes started to change. Still worried, but my Max again, an expressive face that I recognised. He focused and saw me again. He remembered who we were together.

So then I wondered about the whip. It seems to be setting him off, and I don't know why. He's never been hit with it and he's never been scared of it before.

So we walked over to it and I picked it up. Straight away, arched neck and tension, wild eyes again.

"Max, touch."

He did.

Held it over his head.

"Max, touch."

He did.

Took it apart, laid it on the ground.

"Max, touch."

He did.

I don't know what's going on with that. I'd only just gaffer taped it together to cover up the spot where he'd chewed on it because it is just a thing that is no bother to him. He's never been alarmed by the blasted thing. So what's changed?

I talked to the Ent about it last night and said again, "He's never been hit or threatened with it, I don't understand and I don't even know if it's the proper issue he has, because that's not what sets him off when we're out on hacks."

Ent, who is also really concerned about the situation, and I mean in a proper "What's wrong with the boy?" way rather than a "dangerous horse way", said, "Maybe somebody else has scared him on the yard."

That's not a thought I want in my head, but honestly, I don't think so. In fact, I know that's not possible. I can't see how anybody would get the chance let alone have any reason to make Max feel scared.

YO takes no nonsense, but she would never threaten him or mishandle him; I know she wouldn't. I talked to another yard worker about it today too, and she said she can't see how, because Max never gives anybody any reason anyway. He goes into his box like a dream, and he comes back out and goes to his field with no hassle. He might make a grab for the hay stock, but he's not aggressive, difficult or stubborn. He's one of the "no trouble" horses on the yard.

Anyway, when he was calm enough, we left the school and I walked past YO and another livery owner who were thankfully immersed in conversation so I didn't have to answer any "How was he?" questions. I was going to say "Fine" breezily if they did, but didn't know if I could trust myself not to just cry instead. I felt like crying. I did cry later with the worry.

Got him sorted, rubbed him down with a towel to take off excess sweat, and when I was happy that he was calm and warm enough, I took him out to his field.

What I found out though, when I came back from the Max's paddock, was that something had been going on when Max and I were in the school, and the commotion I'd heard wasn't hackers returning to the yard.

YO told me that she was collecting a mare from the Long Field (just outside the school) and she saw our warmblood chestnut gelding properly attacking his field mate, an old retired hunter, about 27, in the Cottage Field across the lane.

Don't know what's going on there, because those two have been field mates for ages, and the warmblood has been with us for over a year and has never done anything like this before. He had the old boy pinned against the hedge line and was going for him hammer and tongs. Old boy was fighting back, but he's a gentle old soul and didn't really have a chance.

YO ran and got another yard bird and the two of them separated warmblood and old, brought old boy in to check him out for damage. He had a bleeding nose, but probably a scrape from the hedge nothing more, and some serious bites on his neck. He was otherwise OK, just a bit shocked.

So, where does that leave us? Was Max freaking out as a reaction to what was going on between the warmblood and the old boy? Maybe. I didn't know, although I was aware of something going on, but Max is much more sensitive to sound and horse vibe than me, so perhaps he did. Maybe.

Today... well, today was hard and busy. Six horses to muck out instead of four but I made a break between half nine and half ten to try again with Max.

We had a word in his box, first. Told him he really mustn't worry, he couldn't do anything wrong, and we are just going to figure it out together no matter how long it takes.

I ditched the whip. Might bin the blasted thing if that truly is the problem. Got all his stuff into his box for long lining, kept with his Pee Wee bit for now, took my dressage whip for pointing. Showed it to him, did "Max, touch" a couple of times to make sure he was cool with it, grabbed his mint lick in case he had another moment, and off we went.

I put his bridle on when we got to the school, sorted out the lines then too, put the stick down and, as it happens, never touched it, and we went right back to basics. Complete basics.

We walked around for ages, changing directions and snaking through the three jumps set up in the middle of the school. Every now and then he'd set off on his own course, and I'd let him, then gently bring him back to my intended course.

We've lost "stand" again. Not sure why, but we worked on that a bit and it was better when we finished. We came round on a smaller circle for very short bursts, and then back out. We did transitions from walk to trot back to walk.

The whole time it was clicker, treat for good, a pat and a fuss for a good try, and when he evaded (which he did, a lot, and always on the left rein) I remained silent, followed him on his evasion, snaked him back through the jumps back to where we started, and tried again.

Great enthusiasm from me, lots of praise, lots of soothing and some fairly good, but no aerobic work from Max. No matter.

So my assessment today is there is a problem, but I can't work it out. He's a LOT better without the whip, although very low energy. That's OK, can work on that.

He still had something in his eye telling me there is some kind of niggle, but I can't work it out. It is always left rein and I don't know why, but suspect it must be me. Must be something I'm doing but I don't know what. Blocking him? I'm not too harsh with my hands and I can't feel anything in his mouth bothering him... maybe the bit? Not sure.

Anyway, for what it's worth, it was a very good session today for Max's head and mine. Really easy going, no drama, lots of hugs and clicks, lots of reassurance and encouragement and some pretty slick moves from Max.

He was all about long and low today, I noticed that. I'm not sure what to do with that observation other than continue to observe.

So what I've gathered from all this is.... no whip, no "lunge, lunge, lunge" him. None of that. No riding him out, either, until I have more of a handle on what's going on.

Well, I say that. Tomorrow, depending on how things go, I will line him again, just like today, and if it all feels really calm and lovely, I may try to just ride him up the lane and back at the end. I will take the head collar with me (I won't need it, he'll be fine unless we have a low flying helicopter or escaped pig - can't tell you how I know that, I just know).

If I ride him at the end tomorrow, big "if", I'll have to decide in the moment, I will do a bit of work in the school on trot with my legs off his sides and see how we go.

Might be ambitious for tomorrow though, actually, now that I'm thinking of it. May just do the same as today, because today was pretty calm and positive. Maybe put some poles down that he can walk through and over, just set up so he can do it right and feel safe and clever. I want to set him up for success and rebuild his confidence in himself and me.

Was also thinking today that maybe Max sees me as a comrade more than a leader. Maybe there's a respect thing going on? I'm not sure because he is pretty careful about my space and moves so well when I ask him, he's always polite; but when he was freaked, although he stuck close.... if he truly saw me as his leader, would he still be so worried?

Does he think I can't protect him and make sensible decisions for safety that are worth following? Does he think he has to protect me so feels added pressure in that sense?

Am I over-thinking? I tend to do that.

I want to take whatever this anxiety is away from him. I could just wail and moan about this being down to the fact that I'm lame, but I don't think it is. Something is going on beyond me being inadequate.

Thing is, I almost hate to say this... as much as I am so distressed by this situation, there's a part of me that is fascinated by it too. Not by seeing Max upset, because that just cuts me up, but by trying to figure out the way round it, and by comparing yesterday's disaster to today's encouraging session. OK, we were doing baby steps again, travelling well trodden ground, but still...

We had fun together today. Yeah, there was some objection and rebellion, but it was dialled way back down and it worked.