Isolation

Dreary day.

I am and I feel isolated. I may be playing it up too much in my head, but I do know my limitations.

Max is ace, that's a fact. Brilliant temperament, sweet boy, sensible with it.

There's nothing wrong with his general handling, his manners on the ground are exemplary. He's respectful of my space and he's kind. It's just this new found strength of his that is doing me in.

He's always been allowed to have an opinion, so that's not a problem, but I can't contain him or control him if he gets the red mist, and that scares me. Sure, we've always worked it out so far and of course, even in the great outdoors, he regains his senses quickly and listens to me... even trotted over to me the last time he got away from me with the chainsaw gang putting the fear into him.

So why worry? Because it's so potentially dangerous for both of us. It only takes a second for it all to go horribly wrong. That's true anyway, of course, I could be the perfect rider and still come a cropper, but why ask for trouble when I'm not the perfect rider and Max is... umm... can't even say unpredictable, really, but we are not controlled enough together.

So yes, we need help with the next stage of our schooling. I need guidance and Max needs enough confidence in me to listen when I tell him that I have something important to say.

Am I never going to get on unless I leave my yard? I wonder that. Don't like the thought of leaving because it's an ideal situation for me so close to home and the hacking is great (if we could hack, that is). Great facilities, nice, supportive people and all the experience I need to feel that Max is in safe hands. But then there's the big "BUT".

I really need a like minded soul whose values and training complement my own. I don't want force, I don't want violence or shouting. I want Max to learn through patience, gentleness and joy, not fear or being overpowered, with his own wonderful personality and character swallowed up under my will. That will never work for me, and I don't want it in Max's life.

To me, the beauty will be so much more beautiful when Max generously offers, rather than feels that he has no choice. That's what I want, and nothing less. I may get results faster if I cow him and teach him that I am "boss", but that result would leave a bitter taste. Max willing and free is what I want. That will be poetry, and if takes me longer to coax a sonnet out of him, so be it. Worth the wait, worth the patience, worth my frustration and thinking it through. When Max finally dances... I want him to dance because he wants to, not because I've forced it upon him.

What a gift that will be, when we can do that together.