Losing my nerve?

I feel like I'm on the edge of losing my nerve with Max, and I don't want to go there. All those lovely afternoons where I could take him out for long walks in hand, I wouldn't dream of doing that now. I can't control him if he gets his freak on. He's gotten away from me out and about twice now, and my heart has been in my mouth both times, even though I've managed to collect him and get us safely back home. Perhaps I need to remind myself that I have been able to do that. Must be doing something right if I can coax a half ton creature full of fear, will to survive at all costs and bountiful muscle to follow puny me and remain calm. Calm(ish).

I feel like I'm that sad sack on the yard that everybody feels sorry for. The one that everybody feels sorry for and also feels slightly contemptuous of.

"Oh her. Poor girl. She's over-horsed."

I've not got hacking partners, and I guess that's OK in a way, because Max in company is a giddy force to be reckoned with. It's partly my schedule doesn't fit in with others, but I'm also very particular about the ground and the pace and I don't want to inflict that on anybody else. Max and I hacking are a groove chill, no doubt about it.

So we muddle along just the two of us, but it isn't easy and it isn't fun or relaxed.

Well, sometimes it is, but I can't really ever relax into it because I'm always looking out for the Big Bad and wondering how I'll handle it.

That's not even totally true. If I feel Max is relaxed, then I am relaxed too, and I have seen us through some stuff by keeping my head screwed on, no question. But at the moment, I'm feeling a bit lost and like I don't want to put us in difficult situations because I'm not sure that I'll cope.

Max wasn't anywhere near as schooled as I thought he was when I bought him, and although I've given him a good life, I haven't brought him on in a meaningful way (to my mind) because I can't. I haven't the skill or experience and I feel I'm letting him down.

That's emotive talk and says a lot more about me than it does Max. He's a horse. He's perfectly happy in his routine, his comfort of the box, hay and water on tap and a juicy breakfast thrown in. He's equally happy out in his field with The Boss grazing and playing. It would never occur to Max to ponder... "Well, she's a nice enough lady, but for goodness sake, I can't trust her on a hack and she never takes me anywhere interesting to gallop along a beach or try a X-country course. She really isn't bringing me on at all! All my friends know how to do shoulder in and I can't do it! She is SO lame!"

To be honest, I guess I've done pretty well to bring him on as far as I have to date, but I'm at stalemate now, and Max is mature and strong beyond my capabilities.

I shouldn't spin out on this, but I do.

Yesterday we tried again, on the lunge rather than the lines, and Max was right back at it.

Off he went, evading on the left rein, and dragged me away to the far end of the school. Not so much of a drag as me following with slight pressure to try and bring him back to stand. Didn't want to jab his mouth, but did want to try and figure out what his behaviour was about.

I said nothing, I collected him, I sorted him out and clucked him on. I just wanted him to stay calm while I tried to figure out what the problem was.

Off he went, no problem, but now we were working in the far end of the school rather than the near end of the school by the door.

He went like a dream. A sluggish dream, dragging his arse around, not proper trot work, but no evasion, no hauling me off, no trying to put a jump between me and him.

Could it really be that simple?

I did chase after him and growl, and got a few turns of proper working trot, but...?

I was thinking bit problem, teeth problem, some other kind of big painful problem...

Just doesn't like the near end of the school with the door? Could that be it?

Lunged for ten minutes each rein, and then rode for another 20 minutes at trot, taking him all over the school, changing diagonal, trying a few canters (failing) and bringing him to a walk, stand, rein back... "click" dismount and we were done.

Liquorice as his reward, girth loosened, stirrups run up. The End.