Out of step

I'm wrecking Max. He'll never be the same; he's ruined beyond repair!

Not really, but things aren't good at the moment. I rode him bareback today, and God, what a trial. I'm so sure it was down to me and not him. We had the same problem in the saddle yesterday, but amplified today.

I'm not really worried about it, so I'm not down on myself. I expect I'm not clear right now, and that's to be expected. I would have laughed if I had much mirth in me.

We were in the indoor school, and he just wasn't doing anything I asked. I would ask him to walk on (so easy, he always does it just on voice!) and instead he'd just stand there, and then hesitantly take a couple of steps back. It was like he was saying, "I know you mean to ask for walk, but you're actually asking me to back up, so... Um... Maybe you do mean back up? I'll try it. Oops! No?"

I truly must have been doing something to ask for backing up, because it happened again and again, and I don't think he was playing up. I just didn't feel right on him anyway. God knows what I'm transmitting to him. Horses are so sensitive, not just to the feel of us physically, but to the feel of us emotionally, and it was so clear Max wasn't being naughty. I think he just couldn't get a clear idea of what I wanted. No surprise, because I don't have a clear idea just now, either.

So we did a couple of good trots (was hard work getting him to trot at all) and I cut things short and took him for a walk instead.

He really has lost a bit of his confidence out of the school, so we'll build on that again. Our walk, though windy, was fraught with Max on high alert. My fault again, I think. He probably senses I'm not totally there with him. I've no doubt that he's catching my grief and doesn't quite know how to respond. He's trying so hard to do the right thing, but he doesn't know what it is. He's a young boy, and not worldly wise yet, but he knows something has rocked my world, and he doesn't know how to react or compensate for that.

For all that didn't go quite right with Max in the school or on our walk, we had a great time in his box, grooming and playing, and he's offering me so many kisses, and even suffered a hug when I told him I really needed one. He's such a comfort to me now, and is the only thing that's made me laugh these past few days.