RIP Nanny Mare

Took Max for a quick work out in the school, while S was exercising the Ginger Tart. Very pleased with Max not being distracted by The Other Horse, and took him several times over trot poles to get his legs picking up nicely. He really seems to enjoy doing that with me - thinks it's a race!

We've got a freezing fog here today. Took ages to do the yard because there was ice everywhere and had to do everything very slowly and carefully to make sure I didn't go arse over elbow!

Went up to where the deed was done and cleaned up a bit, too - wasn't asked, but didn't want YO to deal with it. There was no blood, but a last pile of droppings, and ginger fur from where poor girl was dragged to the lorry, which I got up as best I could - quite frozen, so I couldn't get all of it. Made me have a tear again, but I'm glad she's not standing in her field, all miserable, feeble and shaky in this bad weather.

The shot... I'm still hearing it. Horses can be PTS by lethal injection, but many people go for the gun because it's instant. The trouble with an injection, from what I understand, is that it's hard to get the dosage right for a large animal, so there may be delay in effect, or the horse may fall in a stupor as the drug begins to take hold, break something on the way down, and spend its last minutes suffering pain, waiting for the drug to take over and end it.

I understand about the instant thing and I have no argument with those who make that choice; I just know I couldn't. It seems far too violent an end for an old and dear friend. Would any of us contemplate having a human loved one shot? Or a dog, a cat? Bad argument, because the horse doesn't know what the gun is for, so isn't scared by it, and small critters don't pose the same dosage problems as large ones.

I still wouldn't do it though.

Don't want to think about it. Please, God, when Max and I leave this world, old and doddering, we'll be curled up in a field together, with the sun in our faces, hand over hoof, so we can just rise again, blink at each other and say, "I'm feeling good, old friend, how 'bout you? Fancy a gallop?"

Hopefully all that is a long way off for Max and me, and we have many happy years together to look forward to, before we part, temporarily, to meet again for our gallop. Concentrate on life now, while we are together and vibrant. In the moment, in each moment, we are good. Cherish that, come what may.

Was all clingy with him today, and he seemed to understand I needed to be clingy, and was tolerant and affectionate right back at me.

"I'm here! I'm not going anywhere. Rub my mouth in both your hands that way you do, and I'll give you a kiss!"

Little bugger licked my cheek today. The old softie!

When the shot happened yesterday, I was standing with V (both of us taken by surprise by what we'd stumbled across) and I burst into silent tears straight away. It is a sad thing to have a creature like that leave the world, and I can't help but react to it. Partly for Nanny herself, of course, and partly relief for her, definitely, and partly for the grief that I know is coming for me, for my friends, for what is lost, and what was gained, and the wonderful, terrible, awesome cycle of life. It's definitely worth a tear or two.

We all have to face it one day, and we know it. With our pets, with our loved ones, and ourselves - that shot told me all of that, and also reminded me of what has already gone, and how important each day is, that we get to be in this wonderful world, with the people that we love, and laugh, and talk about stuff with, and take it all in, and be struck by the beauty and poignancy of our little flash of time together.

That isn't meant to be maudlin. I'm not feeling maudlin... Introspective, for sure, but Nanny Mare’s Christmas present to me has been to put me in the moment and breathe it in, give it life, give it warmth, give it love. Give it tons of respect, for a magnificent, unique creature has left this world, and she deserves all of that, as she reminds me, with her kind brown eyes that hadn't aged a bit, to send it out to there to those who are still here to be loved and respected.

And that's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.